undressed by google, depressed by goodbyes

well, i feel too exposed and too visible knowing that whenever someone googles me, my blog comes up.not that a lot of people google me but when they do, my blog url is the first thing that comes up.
aside from being an outlet for my self-indulgence, my blog is really just an update on what i've been up to and what's keeping me down for my friends that i don't get to see on a regular basis.and it's also makes for a good conversation-starter the next time we see each other.then there are days when i'm at the extreme ends of emotional curves that i just have to write about it - rant, rave and rhyme!there were attempts at subtlety and metaphors but sometimes you just have to write it as it is.
i don't regret or feel embarrassed about any of the things i've written down because they were true at the time that i wrote them.after all, this is my blog and everything i say just is. i just feel uncomfortable with the thought that people, both friends and strangers, come and read what i write down, some without my knowledge, then form an impression about me or who i am from my posts, or worst, remember me perpetually for a single post which probably doesn't hold true anymore.the thing is, i can and will contradict myself.sabi nga ni robbie williams, "i can start one sentence and contradict myself many times by the time i end it."or something to that effect.
so what's my point?if you're reading this now( i think you know who you are),me is not equal to my blog.
*****
i am feeling a little left behind with all these people leaving these past few months - zia in greece, shar in taiwan, fred, jerrha and cris in singapore, mark and christian in new zealand,jeline in paris, majo in the us and soon,louie in australia,metz in japan and j in the us.
and while i am happy that these people are off making a better future, with each farewell party, send-off dinner and other goodbye gestures, i feel that i am no step closer to that stellar future that i've been dreaming of.so anyway, if you know of any scholarships or job openings abroad, please, please let me know.because i am dying to leave the country.sorry if that sounded a bit unpatriotic.