the excuses we tell ourselves

he tried to tell you in so many ways - the sporadic texting and even less frequent meetings, that reluctant look everytime you mention anything about feelings, commitment or any of its related words and of course, the careful, almost calculated, maneuvers to keep you from infringing on his life without offending you.

but like most everyone else, we prefer ignorance, albeit feigned, because it is easier that way. so we make excuses and pat ourselves on the back for being so mature and understanding. we tell ourselves that all he really needs is time and he'll eventually realize how much you really mean to him. we try to convince ourselves that he really cares because it is easier than to face the fact that maybe he doesn't and all he wanted was a good time. then when you haven't heard from him for weeks, you try to believe that he's just too busy and you berate yourself for being too clingy. and when he does finally ask you out, you cancel all your plans and laugh at ever doubting his feelings because you're convinced this is proof enough that he actually misses you and wants to spend some time with you. so you drop whatever plans you have despite your fervent promise to live your own life.

but you know that love leaves no room for doubts. it's either he does or he doesn't and if he hesitates, it's more likely it isn't love at all. because he, like you, knows what he wants and most of the time, not even a little space or more time can alter that. you so badly want to believe that it's the real thing, that he is the one, that this will last forever, not just a fleeting flight of fancy or a surge of hormones that lasts as long as the last kiss. and you know that "I'm too tired" or "I'm too busy" is not a valid excuse not to call you for weeks on. because no matter how exhausting or too hectic it gets, he will find a way if he wants to badly enough. so you quietly mold yourself and your world to accommodate him, even to squelch who you really are so you can say you've changed and you've grown. then you'll have a reason to believe that you can make it work this time. But it isn't just about you, as your friends constantly tell you. it's also about him and no matter how much you try to put the pieces together, it just won't fall into place if he doesn't cooperate.

and one day, he will walk away and leave you wondering what you've done wrong this time. so you end up with more regrets, more self-reproaches, and a bigger heartache. and you wait, hoping that you'd get another chance to try to make it work.

or you can quit while you're ahead. take the lessons and learn them by heart then leave everything else behind-the regrets you have, those excuses you made up, your anger or even the hope that you can still get back together. you say goodbye to this chapter of your life and walk away with yes, a heart that's a little less intact but hopefully, a person that's whole once again.